Sexism Zindabad

“Your honor! We have in front of our judicious eyes a Feminist. Yes sir, a Feminist, a woman who is bent upon her preposterously unbending will to grant women their due rights. Women their due rights? Hah! There are no “rights” with women. Yes sir, there are only wrongs and that is my case today.

With all due respect ignored, the disrespected Ms. Feminist here is charged with mass propaganda, intellectual assault on the sage likes of us and conspiracy; Conspiracy to obstruct the course of human development and impede its intellectual and social growth.

Women, as you may concur, are attractive fiends. Throughout the course of human history they have successfully mislead man with their alluringly conspicuous anatomical parts and erotic appearances. They’ve allured man into committing rape. They invite men to do such hideous acts by flashing their appealing looks openly, and men being the courteous and chivalrous beings they are, cannot possibly refuse an invitation, now can they? So Imagine! Just imagine the torment and self loathing, inner guilt and the loss of morale these invited rapists must feel after having done that inhumane act. Are these poor men not human? Do they not deserve to not become rapists? Yes sir, they do deserve to not become rapists. But no, these women have to exist and ruin the lives of these lamentable souls.

Woman is by far the only creature on our planet Earth that is single handedly responsible for the Global Warming. Please hear me out. These creatures’ bodies constitute of unnecessarily protruding bodily parts which take up a huge volume of our environment. Now if you add up the volume of all these parts and do some maths- those guys over at Princeton have done it…That dude in the wheelchair, I think. Stephen Gawking? Yes. – You will then discover that all that volume is making the atmosphere’s height rise. This means that if the Atmosphere containing gases around the Earth was to be 1cm thick, it is now 2cm thick, thanks to feminine bosoms. What’s my point? Ah. Listen closely: This has raised the altitude of the Ozone layer, bringing it closer to the Sun and making it deplete and leave out patches through which pours in sunlight that contributes to the Greenhouse Effect and warms up the Greenhouse Gases, thus fueling Global Warming.

A mass propaganda against Mother Nature herself. This Mother surely needs to administer a few fatal spanks to some volume-occupying bottoms.

They may say I am a Sexist. But I must disagree, your honor! I’m against sex and yet you say I’m a sexist? How very amusing indeed. What was that?… Ah. So a plum woman in the audience just yelled “Gay!” at me. I’ve got  to say I have got to admire your nugatory mind and the intriguing ways it works in. I am gay! I am openly gay! See how I dance about, do the poorly executed tap dance and wave this folder above my head? This is “Gay (adj): Carefree and merry; colorful”. What has become of us! A beautifully elegant word which we connected to the idea of expressing extreme rapture and joviality, now stands with its head lowered, its chin buried in its chest like an impotent, misunderstood and bullied child.

Speaking of children. These women, they want to marry and since that is supposed to involve a poor male counterpart, they take men down in these suicidal pacts called marriages. Not only does the pathetic husband provide ample money to meet her incessant demands, but he also curbs his manhood, his morals and his firm and heroic ideologies; Once a man of honor and integrity now reduced to performing nappy changes. But that isn’t all. This is the most cunning part of these women’s plan: They start to swell their bellies! Yes your honor, I do not hold the knowledge as to how they manage to pull off this trick, but they just do. Then they start to hide behind this belly to make more demands; money for therapies, medicines, doctors, books dedicated to this satanic, or shall I say womanly, cult practice of belly swelling and God knows what. And then they carry children inside their bellies, tangled up in innards! Fragile, little, beautiful children inside their bellies. What torture is this? What insanity, what inanity! I’d prefer they make babies in those test tubes and trays instead. That must be less painful at least. And then there are the Literature loving mother’s who prefer (Julius) Caesarian sections but that is a whole other straw for a whole other cold drink.

All these despicable creatures ever do is bring babies into this world and raise them up. They raise up these children, groom and polish them and educate them about the world. They harness life and let it grow and bloom. They are the caressers of the the souls and subject of the art, passion of a lover and the ink of a poet, Soul to Body and Water to Life, flower to the garden and garden to the birds.

But they are women, right? And women ought to be oppressed. As simple as that.

The defendant is clearly guilty of all these and existence. They must not be allowed to exist, breath or pollute our society by living anymore. And with that I rest my case.”

______________________________________________________________

For any readers who are deprived of the blessing of an in-built sarcasm detector: This piece mocks the irrationalities of Sexism and relies on the use of sarcasm to support Feminism, not the other way round.

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28 Comments

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28 responses to “Sexism Zindabad

  1. Hahahaha dude! Encore, encore. I ain’t gonna say nothin since I’ve been contemplating the same shit for months now. Rock on bro! 😀

  2. I wonder, Usama Lali, I wonder…

  3. You put it so well! Awesomeness.

  4. My God.
    Usama this was effing Brilliant!
    I love how you used women’s looks for more of the crimes against men and nature 😀
    And this stupidity hidden behind the most intellectual words!
    I love the ending, how you praised the females species, but just tossed that all aside with the logic that they are “women”.
    Effing Brilliant.
    Bravo. *stands up clapping* :’)
    And another thing i found so interesting was that how no matter what, women are to blamed. That they having such bodies is a crime, that they giving birth to children (which include men) is a crime even still because they cause a lot of expenditure. The whole bloated bellies thing was amazing. 😀
    Keep writing man, you are gonna go a long way. I.A.

  5. So incredibly wonderful and very well written.

  6. and the note at the end says it all =D thank your lucky stars or else women will be shouting KILL KILL KILL! ;P
    BRAVO =D

  7. Brillianttt!

    Stephen Gawking – Lawlerz !

  8. DuaHaider

    Lali, I salute to you for writting this.
    Simply brilliant.
    This should be printed out and put up on every wall of the country I say.

  9. Muhammad Bin Salman

    Brilliant piece of writing I wish we could had it in the magazine but you know why we cant

  10. Fatima

    Amazingly written. Keep up the good work. Though I am hoping you’re not gay. LOL.

  11. Fatima

    Haha yay, I hope to read more of your works :).

  12. Haha colorful as ever.Good read old boy 😀

  13. FAIQA

    perfect definition of a woman in our society ❤

  14. Good Lord! This is AHHMAZINGGG!

  15. Nida Danish

    Woah! the amount of satire here is intense..i chuckled throughout the piece..pure brilliance Usama!

  16. This post always plasters a stupid smile on my face. Iconic.

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